"It would be helpful to you," said the prison visitor, "if you could take a motto and try to live up to it."

"That's right," replied the convict. "I would like to select, for instance, 'We are here today, and gone tomorrow.' "

"I am so glad your sister enjoyed her visit to us."

"Oh! well, she is the sort of girl who can enjoy herself anywhere you know."

"What made you propose to her on the steamer?"

"I wanted to prove I could love her even when she was sea-sick."

"Grandad, what makes a man always give a woman a diamond engagement ring?" 

"The woman."

Why did they call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

Young Borem (in the parlor) - "Tommy, does you sister know I'm here?"

"I think so. She told mamma this morning she had a presentiment that trouble was coming."

"If I should ask old Bullions for his daughter's hand, what do you think of my chances?"

"Very fair. You have youth, health and a good constitution, and should pull through with careful nursing."

"They tell me you have had a very narrow escape from death."

"Yes, they were going to operate on me for appendicitis, but they discovered in time that I hadn't the money to pay for it."

"You say you wear open work stockings all winter?" she asked.

"Yes, I can't get anybody to mend them."

"Oh, George, this is so sudden."