On leaving a Paris theater a German gentleman felt for his watch. It was gone. Having a strong suspicion, he laid violent hands on a man in the crowd, who quietly gave up the ticker.
When he got home, he found his own watch lying on the table.
"Do you extract teeth without pain?"
Dentist: "Not always. I sprained my wrist on one a couple of years ago, and it still hurts."
"Do you believe the old saying, 'There's no place like home'?"
"That depends upon whose home you are referring to!"
Teacher: "Johnny, you may give a definition of 'hypocrisy'."
"It's where a boy says he loves his teacher!"
Mr. Tymid: "I asked your father for his consent over the telephone."
Miss Chance: "What did he say?"
Mr. Tymid: "He said: 'I don't know who you are, but it's all right!'"
He says his wife is largely responsible for his business success.
Well, she has certainly made it absolutely necessary for him to earn more money.
An old farmer went to a cattle show to exhibit a favorite cow, for which he had high hopes of winning first prize. On learning the result, and that his cow had been placed fifth, his anger knew no bounds, and rushing into the ring he attacked the judges. “Why is my cow not first? What are her faults I’d like to know?” At this point one of the judges approached him and answered: “Her faults, my good man, are somewhat akin to your own. She lacks good breeding.”
They had not been married very long, and that complete blissful trust which young husbands and wives have in each other had not yet been broken. But one morning wifie meekly remarked: “I mended that hole in your trouser pocket last night after you had gone to bed, John, dear. Now am I not a thoughtful wife?”
Her husband dubiously replied: “Well — er — ye-es, you are thoughtful enough, my dear. But how the mischief did you discover there was a hole in my pocket?”
"That new girl Mrs. Closekeep has got must be a jewel."
"Why, she complains about her more than she did about any of the others."
"Of course. She wants us all to think that the girl isn't worth enticing away."
Giving his son a cheque, a father says: "Be careful, my boy. Remember, a fool and his money are soon parted."
"Yes sir; and thank you for having obliged me so promptly."