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He's got it

"Your husband is well, I presume."

"No, he's not. He's been took pretty bad all of a sudden with bronchitis, catarrh, nervous debility, rheumatism, spasmodic twitches, erysipelas, heart failure, and several other complaints.I am going for the doctor."

"My goodness, how did he get so many diseases?"

"Out of a medical almanac he was reading."

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1906
  • Temiskaming Speaker

He never told a lie

“Tommy,” said a father to his son, “Have you been at those six apples I put in the cupboard?”

“Father,” said Tommy, looking into his eyes, “I have not touched one.”

“Well how is it that your mother found five apple cores in your bedroom, and there is only one left on the plate?”

“Well that,” said Tommy, as he dashed toward the door, “is the one I didn’t touch!”

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1906
  • Temiskaming Speaker

Unrepentant

Visitor - But there is an essential difference between right and wrong.

Convict - Oh, there wouldn’t have been so much difference if I had a good lawyer.

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1905
  • Temiskaming Speaker

Both are Plentiful

“Did you ever have all you wanted of anything?” asked Meandering Mike.

“Yes,” answered Plodding Pete. “Two things - advice and water.”

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1905
  • Temiskaming Speaker

How he was Identified

The Mayor of Boston, Josiah Quincy, told with glee of how he was once identified by a laborer who was enlightening a friend. “That is Josiah Quincy” said the laborer. “And who is Josiah Quincy?” demanded the friend. “Why don’t you know? He is the grandson of the statue out there in the yard.”

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1905
  • Temiskaming Speaker

Maybe the camera does lie ...

Photos of ‘Mother’ never look natural, because she seems to have been idle when they were taken.

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1905
  • Temiskaming Speaker

Frankness

“Do you think a doctor ought to tell a patient exactly what is the matter with him?”

“Yes,” answered the physician. “But he should use such terms as to prevent the possibility of the patient understanding a word of what he says.”

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1905
  • Temiskaming Speaker

One for Two

A railway worker asked his foreman: “Do you want any more workers? I have a brother at home that is looking for work.” The foreman asked what sort of a workman his brother was. “Fair sir. He’s as good a worker as I am.”

“All right.”

“Well I am asking for my brother, there is my poor old father at home wanting a job at the same time.”

“Well what sort of man is your father?”

“He’s as good as the two of us.”

“Well,” said the foreman “tell your father to come, and you and your brother can stay away.”

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1905
  • Temiskaming Speaker

Contradictory Evidence

Does DeAuber paint for a living? — Judging by his pictures, he evidently does not.

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1906
  • Temiskaming Speaker

Reductio ad Absurdum

"So you've come down to writing jokes for a living."

"Yes, I'm reduced to the absurd."

Tags

  • Newspaper
  • 1906
  • Temiskaming Speaker

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