"Your husband is well, I presume."
"No, he's not. He's been took pretty bad all of a sudden with bronchitis, catarrh, nervous debility, rheumatism, spasmodic twitches, erysipelas, heart failure, and several other complaints.I am going for the doctor."
"My goodness, how did he get so many diseases?"
"Out of a medical almanac he was reading."
“Tommy,” said a father to his son, “Have you been at those six apples I put in the cupboard?”
“Father,” said Tommy, looking into his eyes, “I have not touched one.”
“Well how is it that your mother found five apple cores in your bedroom, and there is only one left on the plate?”
“Well that,” said Tommy, as he dashed toward the door, “is the one I didn’t touch!”
Visitor - But there is an essential difference between right and wrong.
Convict - Oh, there wouldn’t have been so much difference if I had a good lawyer.
“Did you ever have all you wanted of anything?” asked Meandering Mike.
“Yes,” answered Plodding Pete. “Two things - advice and water.”
The Mayor of Boston, Josiah Quincy, told with glee of how he was once identified by a laborer who was enlightening a friend. “That is Josiah Quincy” said the laborer. “And who is Josiah Quincy?” demanded the friend. “Why don’t you know? He is the grandson of the statue out there in the yard.”
Photos of ‘Mother’ never look natural, because she seems to have been idle when they were taken.
“Do you think a doctor ought to tell a patient exactly what is the matter with him?”
“Yes,” answered the physician. “But he should use such terms as to prevent the possibility of the patient understanding a word of what he says.”
A railway worker asked his foreman: “Do you want any more workers? I have a brother at home that is looking for work.” The foreman asked what sort of a workman his brother was. “Fair sir. He’s as good a worker as I am.”
“All right.”
“Well I am asking for my brother, there is my poor old father at home wanting a job at the same time.”
“Well what sort of man is your father?”
“He’s as good as the two of us.”
“Well,” said the foreman “tell your father to come, and you and your brother can stay away.”
Does DeAuber paint for a living? — Judging by his pictures, he evidently does not.
"So you've come down to writing jokes for a living."
"Yes, I'm reduced to the absurd."